Some positivity for a change

[tsaro]

Getting back to a calm state, got sent this little link and it looks like fun, open to all comers, and calmed me down for a bit somehow: https://www.facebook.com/serdin.bc/

[tsaro]

(edit, not sure if anyone here still wants to read thic crap, but this is more of an explanation from a calmer place on the way to recovery, at least I hope....)

Alright, calmed down again now, all the things and goings on that triggered my state were also a part of my mental issues of course, but then how do you manage an undocumented mental health issue....you try to manage as best you can, but this shitshow was a bit unneeded if I could just get over myself sooner.

That's probably why I tried to drag people along with me, the old adage of people try to drag you down...yeah,m try and see it when you're living it, taking a step back is hard when you feel cornered all the time, no excuse because well ther eis no excuse, but more of an explanation of sorts that can make it somewhat understandable...

The way people here just ignored my wild swings and guided me to proper councelling at least gave me enough to hold on to to at least manage my mind states in a better way. Thanks, idk if I went too far, probably did, and wayy wayy over as well....you just have to try and forgive me, if you can manage and feel that is of any consequence for yourself. Otherwise it is inconsequential, I get that and I'll fuck off to give you back this cool and calm and colected corner of the web...

Probably all i can ask for at this point, and again, apologies to anyone who just wanted to joke around or help me and pushed some invisible button that i always tried to neutralise, though I just needed to find where it came from and switch off the reflexes behind it. Still learning (of course) but for the first time in my life I feel like that is at least working in that corner of my ...err..broken-ness. Still quite a ways to go though. Thanks guys, sincerely. And sorry for tearing through the only way I know how, some times, when it all gets too much... <3

[orchard]

Glad you’re beginning to feel a bit better

[tsaro]

Thanks, and sorry again for swinging at you when you were just posting your perspective from your personal experience before, made me feel pretty bad afterward tbh (normally I don't really since most of the time people create at least some friction on which I can dump the problem and shift the blame).

I need to stop and think calmly some times, preferrably before I start to see red. When I'm in overdrive, which can be pretty intense at times, I can dial it back pretty quickly again, though I usually started to do that without thinking and only stopped when i knew that was expected of my so I didn't have to live with any negative cnsequences of tha tlittle flash of anger if I just didn't make another wrong move...Though that was purely aimed at my own "suvival" and normally I didn't spend even one second analysing the situation but just tried to block out all the shit at the base of it. Even starting to look at that triggered some pretty intense hatred aimed at the big empty basically, if you will.

The last part is something I appear to do normally as well when something doesn't seem to suit me or when I have categoorised it as an "inferior" product or stance. So then |I don't seem to be bothered about it at all as far as the outside world is concerned, but I do not take these things into account at all.

Also on the same train of thought I'd like to make a final apology to Steve/Lost who was very gentle and chill about all of that, lets just say, which I could never pull of myself (as if that would mean anything to anyone but myself, but still worth a mention...to me that is;) and he is a big man as I understand it in stature and good heartedness.

And also my apologies to Tony, your artistic choice to fit your ideas into"existing" form factors is as valid as any other perspective, just because I tell myself I actively avoid that because of my tastes most of the time does not necessarily mean it is objectively better. And how "real" (raw) your output sounds is really in no objective way coupled to your artistic integrity.

Always had the feeling I was being hunted somehow, or otherwise being fucked with or undermined with in an unnecessarily nasty way or some creepy sinister undercurrent, which I didn't understand, but I always seemed to latch onto instantly, and my reflexes were build around that. Taking my "logical" mind into overdrive to assume my position in the situation and aim for posible exit strategies. And my emotional side falling completely off the map because of prolonged trauma I suppose.

I don't even knwo whether it really exists anymore, except for some primal force that sometimes rears its ugly head. Love was lost for a long time except for a vague memory of an image of it. But I did remember the happy go lucky feeling from my youth which I always used to pull myself up from the muck and that's why most of my "theoretical" reasoning has to have this feeling at the base of it, or else I'm just flailing really.

I don't like being the center of attention, that's why I rarely create topics. But now I was just completely over the edge while I told myself I was still holding on. but what |I was probebly holding on to was a few straws hanging over the other side, if you will. But I never completely let go though, and I'm pretty flexible in the end. So I always get out from under it.... Which has helped me to survive, but not to get better.. My first therapy session is still working amazingly and in more ways than I could ever have dreamed tbh, and I was a fool not to accept a kind person into my heart to try and help me heal.

Thanks for not just blocking me out/ignoring me/"ghosting" because that's what tends to happen quite often when I get kind of nasty, weird shit I tell ya

I'm sharing these insights to hopefully help some people who are stuggling with themselves in similar ways maybe, and at least to me it was/is really hard to get out from under yourself. I know, because the point where I'm at now took me more than 30 years of denial to break through the final barrier (at least I hope it's the final one, damn...)


I'll take my distance now for a while, this site is not some kind of personal diary and that's why this will be my final post for a good while (this time for real;) and when I come back I hope to be a more balanced, relaxed and forgiving person.


Alright, thanks for being cool about it (again) and I just might be back some day to join in but ten in a more sensible controlled way.

Peace out and be well.

[orchard]

Wow! That all sounds incredibly positive. To gain that amount of perspective and understanding over your situation from being where you were speaks volumes of you and your resolve.
All power to you bro.

[Ben Kohonays]

Wow! That all sounds incredibly positive. To gain that amount of perspective and understanding over your situation from being where you were speaks volumes of you and your resolve.
All power to you bro.

^this.

My first therapy session is still working amazingly and in more ways than I could ever have dreamed tbh

That's awesome, good to hear.

[tsaro]

Thanks for the support man, I think its also that I can put it into words nicely(as far as I can determine that from here that is), butin the end its always about calming the oscillations after hard truths smack you in theface maybe... Maybe I also need to accept that and just shut up by then and not share my inner dialog. But still learning, past mistakes are no guarantee for the world of tomorrow, or something similarly craptastic..... I feel back to my regular shitty self anyway, the wiggle needed to die down again and that can get wild...for my broken brain.... maybe I'll also stop framing it so dramatically, let's see if I can get there;)

[subvers^v]

Good for you, glad some of the posts helped give you some direction. I was in a similar boat a while ago and think I needed a final push. I accepted the help offered to me and things improved slowly but surely. I am without doubt in a better place now and life has taken on an easiness that I seemed to have lost before somehow.

It's challenging and tough at times but it's worth giving yourself the chance.

One thing that helped me was to actually weigh up the things that bothered me so much by asking myself "Does it really matter?" If not, then fuck it, forget about it, save your energy for the things that really do ..

[Ben Kohonays]

One thing that helped me was to actually weigh up the things that bothered me so much by asking myself "Does it really matter?" If not, then fuck it, forget about it, save your energy for the things that really do ..

Stuff like this can be hard to learn/grasp but be pivotal for peace of mind.

Another really important lesson is to learn to recognise things you can and can't control, to be able to let go of the things that are out of your hands. Just wasted energy.

[tsaro]

Man...still all over the place. And I think I'll never reallyget over it, but just getting by... That's wehre I should try and use the meditative techniques really... And not to 'micromanage'
So a definite improvement, really I love you guys and gals fo rgently kickng me in that direction

:E

[orchard]

<3

[tsaro]

It's the modulation that gets you every time, but what do I know

[2latuile]

I think quite a few of us here are suffering from various "mental health" issue (if such a thing as a "healthy mental" exists), so we feel your pain - I, at least, can. I can only second Subvers and Ben advices - and yes, meditation can be of a tremendous help sometimes.

[Amøbe]

I'm really happy that you guys are not afraid to apologize, so that we don't get an atmosphere, where you are not allowed to take a wrong step in the first place.

Glad you are feeling better - I think it takes quite the person to reflect on their own behaviour in the way you did, and that's really powerful!

I have never really struggled with mental health myself, but I have it very close to me in the family, so I know, what a struggle it can be, and how it can take over your life at times! Remember to take care of yourselves <3

...I just want to add that I'm not completely sure if the text above translated as well from my Danish thoughts, as I wanted it to, so apologies if anything sounds weird!

[subvers^v]

There's actually no need to apologise, imo.
I think most reasonable people reading this would be a little understanding. Sometimes things get tough, it's part of life and everyone experiences difficult times on some level but it is good to see it on this forum, basic humanity is still valued! ..